Petra's Healing Journey

Pre-op assessment at St John’s in Livingston went well. Incredibly thorough. Had an ECG, gave blood, had a bra fitting and talked to various people about my looming surgery. Which was originally scheduled for last week, but my surgeon called to say neither he or my plastic surgeon could make that date so it’s been postponed until they can coordinate a day they can both do. Seems bizarre that they gave me a date that neither my surgeon nor my plastic surgeon could do. The NHS never fail to disappoint me! That being said I felt very well looked after at my pre-op assessment.

I was then off to Vick and Mictoria’s to do a Spectrum Change Programme, where I made three lovely new friends. We were all there to get rid of some trauma, and I was also hoping to get some clarity about my surgery and why I’d started having nightmares about people torturing animals every night 🤯

After we had all introduced ourselves and told the group why we were there, one of the women approached me and told me that she sees auras. She told me that cancer is very obvious in people’s auras and there was none in mine. She was the second person to tell me that in the last year. When I heard it the first time, I thought it meant that my treatments had worked and it was gone, but seemingly not.

She told me it was ‘mould’. Yes, mould! She then told me about her friend who had been diagnosed with stage 4 inoperable cancer, who had gone private and had a biopsy, and it turned out to be mould.

I’ve had black mould in my flat for the last 15 years, which I’d reported to my landlord but they’d done nothing about it. I’d been cleaning it myself for years.

That would explain why my treatments haven’t worked. And why my instincts were so strong not to have surgery initially. It makes sense that I needed to know what it is before I have it removed so that I know what treatments to do afterwards instead of radiotherapy.

If it is mould I still need to get it out. I decided to call Kenny and ask if they’ll biopsy it for mould after my mastectomy. If not maybe I can ask for my boob back and get it tested myself 🤔

The Spectrum programme was full of surprises. There was an exorcism, and an unexpected release of grief for the five people that died just before I had my awakening nearly five years ago.

On top of that I had a very stressful few days when my dog sitters (namely my daughter and her new husband, who in their defence had just finished a gruelling two months at the Christmas market where they’d been working fourteen hour shifts, six days a week and were exhauated), let me down massively, sleeping until two in the afternoon making me so anxious about my dogs that I couldn’t eat or sleep, which, on top of the nightmares I was already having took me to the brink of insanity. I was so angry that I told them to be out of my house by the time I got home. If I couldn’t rely on them to take care of my dogs for a couple of days, then they weren’t welcome in my house.

It wasn’t the relaxing escape I’d hoped for. It was an emotional few days, in a myriad of ways!

To top it all off I’d booked the wrong bus home, and then lost my suitcase. I ended up in Glasgow at dawn and was stuck there for four hours waiting for my suitcase.

I felt like I’d just been through a week long cycle in an emotional washing machine.

I was very relieved to get home to my dogs and sleep in my own bed.

Praying that the nightmares wouldn’t return 🙏